Karma is a bitch. A whiny, sniffling, little bitch.

Fuck karma
What I need is grace
I’ve got no time for this sowing and reaping shit
My addictions to pride, and to feeding my own self-righteous indignation pulls me back
Again and again I not am snared by my own inability, rather my own unwillingness
My life will be far too short to reap all that I’ve sown and still make it out unscathed

I’ve got no excuses
What I need is forgiveness
There’s no reason for my doubting, insubordinate selfish whining and fear
None but my own self-loathing and destruction
I can reason away my resolution of arrogance and the need to bang what I deem to be “truth” over the heads of those around me who think enough of me to care
I cost myself their trust in me, their respect of me, their compassion for me, and their kindness to me
I hope they can be repaid for lasting as long as they have…
So maybe I believe in Karma after all.

So maybe it’s karma AND grace
Oil and water
The two don’t mix but may sometimes share a glass
Maybe what I don’t deserve is to get what I have given
Maybe I’ve done well with a spiteful heart and shouldn’t receive the reward at all
But damnit, I’d love to
Maybe what I have is an ass-load of excuses that I’ll never actually voice ‘cause they’ll instantly disqualify me for the unwarranted mercy that I seek
Maybe my excuses aren’t excuses at all
Maybe they’re my reserves of ammunition in case I ever feel I’m not getting what I need, regardless of whether or not I deserve it
Maybe what I actually need is to get what I deserve
Maybe it’s what I want that’s the problem

Okay, maybe what I want AND what I need.
Maybe what I deserve AND what I desire
Maybe it’s Karma AND grace
Maybe it’s Him…
... AND me.