I went to the future, and discovered that time travel is impossible (that is, if logic has anything to do with it)

Parkinson's disease has no one to thank more for it's presence in the modern psyche than Michael J. Fox. And, the lovable Mr. Fox has nothing to thank more for his presence in the modern psyche than Back To The Future - a trilogy of hover-boards, bad-ass retractable jacket-sleeves, killer vintage ES 335 Gibson Semi-Hollow body guitars, and the most impressive over-simplification of the notions of time-travel ever written. Amazing. Simply put, it's just a great freakin' movie. Er... 3 great freakin' movies.

However, this popcorn logic-based train-wreck of overacting is still the best possible place I can think of to start my thoughts on time travel.* (Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, and Bogus Journey don't count because... Keanu Reaves sucks.) And of course, you'll want to know what I think of this, or you just won't have the full story.

Here are the questions we need to answer:

• Will time travel ever be possible?
• If so, will we be able to travel backward AND forward?
• If so, wouldn't we already be doing so?
  

Let's take, first of all, the idea that you can travel "back" in time, and change events that happened before time travel was invented. (There will be disclaimers throughout, I'm sure, but let's start them by saying that there is no way to discuss this without serious grammatical overlap, and logical cross-eyedness). In the first "B2F", Marty McFly goes back in time to when his dad was in high-school, and tries to make him... tougher. He is in danger of having his teen-aged mom fall in love with him, and begins a 2 hour fiasco of innuendo that would make a gnat's skin crawl.

Here's the problem with the concept that humans could ever (EVER) travel back in time. If it is ever going to be possible, then at some point in the past, someone from the future has already come back, and the cycle has already begun. Which means, if the manipulation of the past is ever possible in the future, then it is, by simple paths of logic, always possible. Since we know that it is currently not available, we can ascertain that it never will be. Make sense? No? Let's try an example.

Ask 100 people what they'd do if they could go back in time, and someone (probably many of them) would say something like "Dude, I'd totally go back to when Hitler was like, 12 years old, and I'd just beat him like a rag doll, or I'd like, kidnap him, or something. Yeah."

Genius.

Or you'll get "I'd stop the crusades."
Or, "Um, I would like, go back to my childhood, and like, just tell myself how wonderful I really am, and that I don't have to prove anything to any... " I'll stop here, 'cause I think I just threw up in my mouth.

Here's the problem. If time travel, at any point in the future, is ever invented, then of course, someone will do these very things (though, you'd probably still never get that bubble-gum pep talk you clearly needed, unless along with time travel, we've discovered how to help people not to throw up in their mouths as well). Now, if we can safely say that at some point (let's say the year 2080) time travel is invented, and people can indeed go backward, wouldn't someone around Hitler's time already have known about it?

Yes. The answer there is yes. Or, to put it in the terms of Stephen Hawking, if traveling backward through time is ever going to be possible, we would be plagued with time tourists today.

Don't worry if you're confused. Just stop reading, and we'll all keep you posted on the events of the rest of humanity. If you get that, let's move on.

Now, having stated these simple steps of logic, we can ascertain that even if time travel were ever possible, there is no way that we will be able to travel backward, to events that happened before traveling through time was made available (feel free to go backward now, though, and re-read anything I've just written, 'cause it is hard for some people to get - incidentally, if I could travel back in time, I'd stop most of those people from learning to read).

Now, this still doesn't rule out the concept that time travel will someday be invented (by the way, when I say "invented" I mean that the technology is discovered, tested, perfected, and implemented as a staple into modern culture, not just that the theory is stated. Remember Einstein was a genius, but one of the best things he ever wrote was ... well, wrong.)

Okay, so let's look now at what "Time Travel" would be, if it is NOT moving backward through time. In order to move forward through time, you simply have to travel faster than time itself. Or, you have to slow time down while you continue moving forward. Either way, now we're just talking basic rules of physics. If you can run at 10 miles per hour, and I can run faster than 10 miles per hour, then I can run past you, and see parts of the road that you will eventually see, before you do. Now, if "Time" moves 670,616,629 miles per hour (or, for the sake of easy reading, let's use "The speed of light" or "X"), and I can run faster than "X", then I will be able to see parts of the road (or the world) before time does. Okay, that's a terrible way to describe it, let's try something else.

DEFINITION: "Light Year" -

• 9,460,730,472,580.8 km (about 9.461 Pm)
• about 5,879,000,000,000 statute miles
• about 63,240 astronomical units
• about 0.3066 parsecs

OR: "Distance covered by traveling at the speed of light for 1 earth year." So the formula would be something like: Speed of Light x 365 days = 1 Light year

In smaller units, if you travel at 10 miles per hour for 1 hour, how far will you go? 10 miles. That's right. So: 10 mph x 1 hr = 10 miles

This coming together?

If you could look through a super-duper high-powered telescope (TM) into space, and you could see a star exploding, the reality is, that star is at least 4.22 light years away (the closest star we know of), and probably exploded earth years ago, which means you are essentially looking years into the past. Conversely, if you could somehow go to that star, and look back at the earth through the same telescope, you could see the earth, millions of years ago. Adjust the distance and/or the telescope strength, and you may be able to see... yesterday. You follow?

Okay, let's move on. If you could use the right equipment, you could SEE the past... from "outer space". Still not very enticing, is it? Nah, didn't think so. Okay, but about this "moving faster than light" thing? What's so great about light?

Well, the speed of light is also the speed of any image traveling to your eye. Let's take this example from wikihow.com on how to determine the distance of a lightning bolt from yourself.

1. Watch the sky for a flash of lightning.
2. Count the number of seconds until you hear thunder.
   
3. Divide the number of seconds by five to calculate the distance in miles (or divide by 3 for kilometers).
   
1. In other words if you counted 15 seconds from when you saw the lightning, the strike was 3 miles (5 kilometers) from your location. The delay between when you see lightning and when you hear thunder occurs because sound travels much, much more slowly than light. Sound travels through air at about 1100-1200 feet (330-350 m/s) per second, which is a little more than one mile per five seconds (one kilometer per three seconds).
4. Do this for a few consecutive strikes of lightning.
5. If the distance is getting progressively smaller, your ass is about to be fried.
   

See? It's fun for everyone. If you see a star fall from the sky, the distance of that star from you determines how long it took for that image to travel to your eye; in scientific terms - a long-ass time.

Now, if we're able to somehow physically move in any direction faster than the speed of light itself (670,616,629 miles per hour: aka "really f$*$ing fast"), then we'd be able to essentially move forward in time, faster than time. (Don't get too excited, currently, the fastest recorded speed ever travelled by a human was in 1976 (!!) at a whopping 2,188 mph.)

Speed of Light: 670,616,629 mph
Fastest Human: 2,188 mph

... and the winner is, the speed of light, but a crap load of mph's.

So. What are we learning here? That time travel is impossible? No. Not even close. That time travel is implausable? Abso-f$#@ing-lutely.

Let's say the improbable happens (as it tends to over time), and someone figures this out. Let's say we figure out how to stay alive, and move people faster than 670 MILLION miles per hour. Having that kind of technology means we're going to use it, right? And if history has taught us anything, it's that whatever is created with the intention of being used for good (see: moving forward to discover the cure for AIDS, Cancer, Bad Hair), is inevitably going to be abused for... less than good (see: moving forward to come back and spoil the end of "Lost" - it's lame, don't bother. Or, to discover how Brittney Spears is known in 40 years - she isn't).

Now, here we get to some crap that is frankly far over my head (not that the rest of this topic clearly isn't, but rather that this next part is like even more. Like, speed of sound is fast, but speed of light is faster: time travel in leu of the speed of light is hard to get, but time travel in leu of time warps in the space/time continuum... is harder). However, Stephen Hawking explains a buncha crap on his site, then comes to the basic conclusion that though it's not possible that time travel will ever allow people to move backward through time to any point before it was discovered (invented), it is possible that time travel, once becoming available, will forever be available back to the point at which it was invented.

Kinda like saying, "time travel is available starting ... now. No time travel was available before I said 'now', so if you're going to go backward, you can only go backward to the point where I said 'now', no further. However, you can go forward as far as you want."

Here's the problem with the last part of that ("forward as far as you want"). Just because I can run faster than 10 miles per hour doesn't mean I can run faster than 20 miles per hour. It doesn't even mean I can run faster than 11 miles per hour. Maybe I can run exactly 10.000000001 miles per hour. Which is still faster than 10 miles per hour, but only slightly. Just because we could one day move forward faster than time, doesn't mean we can move forward infinitely faster than time.

Now, let's say the first time that time is warped and people can move forward, say, 4 seconds, is on August 3, 2007. Then, Jim, let's call him Jim. Jim gets into the machine, the contraption. The rocket-ship shaped thingy. And he vaporizes. Jim's colleagues stand around looking at each other. There is a hush. A strange, awkward silence. There's a split second of thinking "Holy crap, maybe we should have let Jim call his wife first". Then, 4 seconds later, Jim re-appears. Jim steps out of the rocket ship, and says "the damn thing's broken".

Jim didn't experience those 4 seconds. He flipped the switch, and nothing happened. He stepped out, and the world was 4 seconds older. The other scientists are in tears with joy, and Jim is forever skeptical of whether they're pulling his leg.

Now, over time, they figure out the algorithm, and learn to go faster and faster. Or, they figure out how to travel longer, at the same speed. The gap grows over time, and 1 millisecond in the machine equals 4 seconds outside of it. So, 1 week in the machine equals 12 years outside of it, and so on. (these numbers are a crock of shit. FYI).

Now, let's say they start building larger, more comfortable, livable machines where people can stay for longer periods of time. Let's say some kid is raised inside of this machine. Still only going slightly faster than the speed of light. That kid is born on earth, put into the machine, and then, when he's 12, gets out... a million years later. See where this is going?

So, just because we can see tomorrow, doesn't mean we can see the end of the world, right?

Wrong.

Remember how we said that if we invent time at, say, 10PM on August 7, 2007, then you could move backward all the way to 10PM Aug 7, 07, but no further. What that means, though, is that people in the year 50,490 AD could travel all the way back to that point in time as well. So, essentially, we don't necessarily have to go forward in time to "discover" the future, because they'll come back to us. And, if I know humans (which I don't), I know that many of them will want to come back to "the beginning", meaning they'll want to come back to that very second that time is invented.

Now, if there is a "portal" or "door" through which all future "time tourists" (as Stephen Hawking calls them) can travel, and that door is all at one place and moment in space/time, then not only does every discovery instantly collapse onto that one moment, but so does every conflict, every disease that travelers from the future may have, every super-villain that may have been born on Aug 7, 07 will be a target for future heroes. Every war criminal escaping death into the past. Every new destructive and explosive technology. It all "happens" at that very second. Which means, at 10PM on August 7, 2007, every moment of the future that will happen, happens. And the universe collapses in on itself.

The moment in which time travel is invented, the world will end.

Puff, puff, give, man. Puff, puff, give.

* I'm not a physicist, mathematician, scientist of any sort, pilot, pitching coach, astronaut, nuclear engineer, or any other type of authority on things that could/should pertain to time-travel, or the speed of light. If this is not obvious to you, you should be shot in the forehead point-blank with a potato gun, and beaten with a rusty muffler until your feelings are hurt.

On Eggers, Burgess, and why, as I sit in starbucks this sunday afternoon I can't feel my legs (or at least, nothing below the thighs)...

Two things: (Have you ever seen or read "Shopgirl"? This isn't one of the aforementioned "things", rather an explanation of why I would begin a sentence so poorly as to number the "things" that said sentence would describe. In "Shopgirl", a flawlessly delicate masterpiece of a book, and later adapted film written and starring respectively Steve Martin, Jason Schwartzman's character occasionally begins sentences containing 2-part questions with the declaration, "two things" - accompanied by a casual right-handed peace sign.)

1. I have terrible circulation. I don't know why, but I have for a long time. If I sit in a chair, or worse, on the toilet for more than, say, 15 minutes without moving my legs or otherwise adjusting my position, I'm numb. From the thighs down.
   
   
2. Dave Eggers has the ability to make mundane and "normal" things embarrassingly hysterical, just as Anthony Burgess has the ability to make menacing and disgusting acts so intricate you can't help but turn the page to read on.
   

I'm reading "How We Are Hungry" by Dave Eggers, and "A Clockwork Orange" by Anthony Burgess today, and have found myself glued to them both for hours. Any time I pick either up, I find myself stuck wherever I was when I started, 3 hours later.

This is why, as I allowed my bowels to move and my mind to wander reading such heartbreaking work of staggering genius, I can no longer feel my legs (or at least, nothing below the thighs).

christmas in August?

My official wish list has begun. The following is in line on my to-buy list after Rosco's "surgery" (he gets clipped Aug 21st), paying for my record (studio costs, mixing / mastering, design, packaging...), rent (I looked at a 500 sq ft apt last week for $2400 / mo), and savings...

... but once that crap's out of the way...

• Fender Jaguar Baritone reissue
  
  This has become my dream guitar. Fender introduced its new Fender Jaguar Baritone Custom guitar in response to overwhelming requests for a contemporary version of its famous Bass VI guitar, an instrument beloved of artists from the Beatles to George Jones to Aerosmith.
  
  The Jaguar Baritone Custom combines the down-and-dirty sound of the Bass VI and the classically cool early-’60s look of Fender’s famous Jaguar guitar in one truly distinctive instrument.











• VOX AC15
  

  With years of manufacturing expertise in high quality guitar amplifier design, Vox have taken the best AC15 designs, both old and new and added a number of useful and interesting features. The result is to give you the most tonally flexible AC15 to date!

  Decades ago the AC15 stamped its tonal trademark on the rock n roll revolution. Many top performers of the era were first in line to sample its unique warm tone. People started to notice this new evocative guitar sound and soon many other new artists were using the Vox AC15.

  Today, the AC15 Custom Classic is set to become the new leader in its class. Built in Vox's vertically integrated manufacturing facility means total control of the design, the quality and the sound of your amplifier. Many processes not found in most guitar amplifier factories are employed in the factory and Vox design and manufacture their own transformers, speakers (except for the venerable VOX "Blue" & "Neodog" which are manufactured by Celestion), cabinets and electronics. All components have been designed, manufactured or selected so that the performance and sound of the AC15 Custom Classic is second to none.










• AKAI MPC1000

  The Akai Professional MPC1000 Music Production Center combines a 64-Track MIDI Sequencer and a 2-voice Stereo Digital Sampler, with 16 velocity and pressure sensitive rubber pads in a compact and rugged package that makes it ideal for carrying around.

  The MPC1000 inherits many of the major features of older MPCs such as the legendary 'feel' and 'groove' so that you can be sure that your beats and sequences swing. It also features the original MPC60’s intuitive transport and locate controls, the unique NOTE REPEAT function plus new additions such as the two Q-Link sliders that allow real-time interaction with tuning, filter cutoff, layer switching, attack and decay. Add to these a well established, friendly and intuitive user interface, two separate multi-effects processors plus a master output effects processor, resonant multi-mode filters, 4-way sample layering and velocity switching per pad, two MIDI ins and 32 MIDI channels via the two MIDI outputs, multiple audio outputs as standard, footswitch inputs for hands-free control and you have a dependable alternative to computer sequencer headaches.

  The MPC1000 comes with 16MB of on-board memory as standard that can be expanded up to 128 MB of RAM. It includes internal preset sounds in flash memory (factory sounds are user-replaceable). Standard Compact Flash is used as the storage medium. A 32MB Card is included and present testing has verified the use of up to 2GB cards. Furthermore, the MPC1000 supports the ‘Mass Storage Class’ USB standard. When connected to a Mac or PC via its built-in USB port, this implementation allows to simply drag & drop data between the computer and the MPC1000's CF card.

Thought bubble on the privacy bubble

Myspace.com recently surpassed the 100 million user mark. No surprise, really, but it raises a question or two to me about the future of American politics. It may seem unrelated, but hear me out.

When I discussed the concept of myspace with my mom, her reaction was so surprising to me. It was simply one of concern for the revealing of "private" information about yourself to strangers. I tried to argue that the information that you give is completely voluntary, none of the fields are required except for valid contact info (email) so that you can manage your account. The argument defending myspace was difficult for me to make because I have loathed the site since I first saw it (way back when it was about 12 million users). However, it's not the concept of the site that bothers me, it's the execution of their concept, but that's another post altogether.

My mom made statements like "how do you know other people aren't lying about what they say on their profile?" My response was simply, "I don't. But I don't care." The reality is, I don't have anything invested in the idea that everyone online is being truthful with me. I've been burned before (which is another post for another day), believe me. But this was primarily my own lack of knowledge and experience, vs someone else's creativity in their willingness to deceive. On myspace, the most you have invested is reserved for the level to which you interact with any given person. If you add someone as a friend because of some information they put on their profile, the only thing you have invested into that "lie" (if it is a lie) is the 30 seconds it took to add them (or more frequently with myspace, the 3 browser reboots, 2 error messages, 47 ads, and 20 minutes of waiting for a page to load that looks exactly like the page you just left).

The thing that interests me about my mom's concerns versus the 100+ million people who are using myspace, is the difference in the view of privacy. The media and politics are bashing the hell out of the privacy issue because the government wants to be able to tap people's phone lines and listen in on conversations. Nothing new. Watch "enemy of the state". That was 8 years ago. The thing that's so stupid about that to me, is the same information (or more, probably) could be gathered by a few internet socialites getting paid to target people online and find information there. The point is, politicians are once again, completely behind the game when it comes to using technology.

I'm not endorsing the idea of having phones tapped illegally. I am just saying that the major issue of tomorrow is going to be the fact that people are voluntarily putting more information about themselves online everyday, and then fighting to protect their "privacy". This really isn't an issue of privacy for a younger generation though, I believe. I think it's an issue of Control.

I don't have a problem with information being out about me. I don't even really have a problem with the government wanting to know more. I don't even have a problem being told to surrender more information about myself when needed. I have a problem with NOT being told that the information is being used in a way that I didn't intend. And I have a problem with not be allowed to simply say "No." (or click, "no thanks"). It's an issue of control.

When I sign up for something using my email address, and myspace sells that email address to true.com, christiansingles.com, and other blood-sucking hack job websites that have absolutely no interest in helping humanity in any way, I have a problem with it. It's not "private data", I PUT IT ONLINE. It's just that I didn't put it online for someone else to make money by selling it. But that's exactly what happens. Myspace sold for $580 million because they were the largest, most profitable and thorough survey in human history. 100 million people listing their favorite movies and music (FOR FREE - years ago you could get paid for giving people this info), means a helluva lotta cash can be made by marketing firms who can target that audience with exactly what they want.

One day, the bubble we each live in will become so small for each of us, that people will revert from the desperation to be noticed (which is, I believe the primary tool of success for myspace and sites like it - people wanting to be known, to not feel insignificant), to the desperation to be left alone.

The celebrities of tomorrow are 18 year old girls who have 50 million downloads a week from what they do on a webcam in their room, or 16 year old boys who have weekly podcasts filming illegal activities. But when normal people become celebrities for doing nothing special at all, those people, we've seen, usually can't handle it because they don't have any sense of deserving that notoriety, and therefore can't be gracious and welcoming to the intrusion that is fame. People like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are great examples - celebrities by default. Talentless socialites with no gratitude for recognition. It's power without dignity. Frightening stuff.

So, keep posting pictures of yourself on flickr (I do), keep renewing your favorite music and movies list on myspace (I do), and keep subscribing to your favorite email newsletters and using credit cards online (I do), 'cause the only hope we have for privacy at this point is the notion that the sheer number of people using these technologies, and offering their information will create a sort of "white noise" that is impossible to filter completely, especially for a government that is dumb enough to TELL people they're tapping phones (don't broadcast it, genius, just do it!)

New York Summer Survival Checklist... (living in the city pt 2)

1. Baby Powder - Can't have enough of this covering those hard-to-reach areas. The ONLY way to prevent chaffing. What you want is a snug fitting pair o' "drawers" and your gentlemen covered in the softest white powder you can find. Absorption. That's what it's all about. Geezum, it's hot.
2. Flip-flops - Thongs, Sandals, whatever. I remember being a kid and complaining about being cold at night during the winter. My mom would always tell me to first go get some socks on (I have always hated sleeping in socks, but when it's cold... this works), and secondly, use a few blankets. "Layers, sweetie. It's all about layers". Well, beating the heat requires the exact opposite. If you can flop around in beach attire to work, go for it. However, and I can't stress this enough, don't try free-ballin' it! The guy's swimsuit is not condusive to walking 60 blocks a day (see #1 in this list).
3. Water - Not to drink, but to pour down your pants when the powder has absorbed so much sweat that you can feel the chunks of dough balling up and rolling down your leg.
4. Grappling Hook - 'Cause it's still New York, and you never know.
5. Iced Coffe / Frappucino, etc. - You don't have to slack on the stimulants just 'cause it's hot out. Get yourself a Venti Frappucino (the adult version of a slurpy - gay, but adult), and save the water for the crotch.
6. Backup Deodorant - You want 3 cans at least. #1 for home. Cake it on, get ready for it to melt. #2 at work. #3 in your gay man-purse ('cause you'll frequently find yourself needing to refresh while out).
7. An Indoor Job - Standing on the sidewalk cooking stir-fry all day long for sales reps on the go has got to be the worst job in the city right now. Second, MAYBE, to construction, but at least construction workers get to break and walk away from the heat. Go in the shade. These street vendors just go from standing over a stove to walking home in one. Bet they carry a lot of powder on 'em.