So I get anxiety attacks. So what. So sometimes I'm standing in line at starbucks during a perfectly productive and normal day, and my mind starts racing about some particular topic, and I suddenly realize that my heart is racing, and I'm standing in a cold sweat. I have a headache within seconds, and my breathing is irregular. It's not necessarily the same thing that sets me off, but I would have to say that the large majority of these mental rampages are close to the topic of money. Not having it, but... well, not having it.
I'm drinking hot coffee now. I have been a total wuss about my cafeine intake until this Saturday.
"Single Grande No-Whip Mocha Frappucino, Please. Oh, and can you put that in a Venti cup?" That was even a step up for me. A year ago, I couldn't stand the taste of espresso, so I would get the grande caramel frappucino. Whip cream and all. Now, I've progressed beyond my wildest dreams.
"Single Grande No-Whip Mocha, Please." See the difference? IT'S HOT!!! That's the difference. I have been a clumsy fool when it comes to hot drinks for the duration of my life thus far. Now, having clearly established that I am ill-prepared for the New England winter at hand, I am taking my first steps toward full-body warmth. Hot mocha. With a shot. So I'm warm, and jittery.
A new member of my ever-swelling and contracting inner-circle of influential relationships (hereafter referred to as "Lektor") has helped with a couple of the other steps. She's begun buying me wool hats that cover my ears and are "soooo cute" on me. I've generally had a helluva time finding hats, 'cause my head is so big, it's just slightly not a planet (I feel your pain, Pluto), so the new headwear is greatly appreciated. Gloves, on the other hand, have not yet been added to my 3 ft of closet space, but should be soon.
I'm rambling, but that's mainly 'cause I have only about 3 things on my mind, and I am not allowing myself to discuss any of them here... yet. I just really want to get over this anxiety, and get back to my luscious hot mocha.
Oh, and... go out and buy the latest cd by the roots. Now. And get ready to ... well, have your face melted.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Monday, October 09, 2006
Research and Development for Rheumatoid Authritis
She's training to be a physical therapist,
and in the mean time, she's a certified palates instructor
this to say that she's incredibly beautiful
this to say that she can do the splits
this to say that she's incredibly smart and funny
this to say sharp, with her wits.
she's training for a marathon that she will never win
it's not that kind of race
it's the kind that everybody wins just for running,
and everyone cheers for everyone else
it's the kind where all the proceeds go to R&D4RA
this to say Research and Development for Rheumatoid Authritis
She's ridiculous, and beautiful
she's beautifully ridiculous
she is ridiculously beautiful
and seriously, don't smoke.
She says we haven't yet figured out what causes rheumatoid authritis
but we think we've got it narrowed down to two things
it's either women's periods, or smoking
so everyone put down your cancer sticks and stop the bleeding all the time
She's ridiculous, and beautiful
she's beautifully ridiculous
she is ridiculously beautiful
and seriously, what's with all the bleeding?
If you smoke, you'll never run a marathon
and that's the only way we ever raise any money for this crap
dozens of people all over Florida are suffering from this terribly disease
and all you can think about is a lousy drag
oh, and your period.
She's ridiculous, and beautiful
she's beautifully ridiculous
she is ridiculously beautiful
and seriously, don't smoke.
She wants to learn spanish by the end of the summer,
'cause she's going to Brussels in the fall.
she says if you get lost anywhere in Europe, you can speak spanish and they'll help you out.
the locals will think you're local too,
and since no one likes america but americans, it works out for everyone
She's ridiculous, and beautiful
she's beautifully ridiculous
she is ridiculously beautiful
and seriously, Español.
She wants to be ironic, and iconic, and funny
she wants to wear Manolo Blahnik, and make money
she wants to sip her gin and tonic,
and discuss her last colonic
and pretend that all her dark days are sunny
She wants to learn the difference between wrong and right
and feign interest in leaning to the latter
she wants me mad when she has to break a date
but when she breaks a heel, be madder.
she's ridiculous, and beautiful
she's beautifully ridiculous
she is ridiculously beautiful
and seriously, don't smoke.
She says that she likes the cordoroy pants the best 'cause they go squish, squish when I walk.
and in the mean time, she's a certified palates instructor
this to say that she's incredibly beautiful
this to say that she can do the splits
this to say that she's incredibly smart and funny
this to say sharp, with her wits.
she's training for a marathon that she will never win
it's not that kind of race
it's the kind that everybody wins just for running,
and everyone cheers for everyone else
it's the kind where all the proceeds go to R&D4RA
this to say Research and Development for Rheumatoid Authritis
She's ridiculous, and beautiful
she's beautifully ridiculous
she is ridiculously beautiful
and seriously, don't smoke.
She says we haven't yet figured out what causes rheumatoid authritis
but we think we've got it narrowed down to two things
it's either women's periods, or smoking
so everyone put down your cancer sticks and stop the bleeding all the time
She's ridiculous, and beautiful
she's beautifully ridiculous
she is ridiculously beautiful
and seriously, what's with all the bleeding?
If you smoke, you'll never run a marathon
and that's the only way we ever raise any money for this crap
dozens of people all over Florida are suffering from this terribly disease
and all you can think about is a lousy drag
oh, and your period.
She's ridiculous, and beautiful
she's beautifully ridiculous
she is ridiculously beautiful
and seriously, don't smoke.
She wants to learn spanish by the end of the summer,
'cause she's going to Brussels in the fall.
she says if you get lost anywhere in Europe, you can speak spanish and they'll help you out.
the locals will think you're local too,
and since no one likes america but americans, it works out for everyone
She's ridiculous, and beautiful
she's beautifully ridiculous
she is ridiculously beautiful
and seriously, Español.
She wants to be ironic, and iconic, and funny
she wants to wear Manolo Blahnik, and make money
she wants to sip her gin and tonic,
and discuss her last colonic
and pretend that all her dark days are sunny
She wants to learn the difference between wrong and right
and feign interest in leaning to the latter
she wants me mad when she has to break a date
but when she breaks a heel, be madder.
she's ridiculous, and beautiful
she's beautifully ridiculous
she is ridiculously beautiful
and seriously, don't smoke.
She says that she likes the cordoroy pants the best 'cause they go squish, squish when I walk.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Of The Metaphore That Angels Fall
It's true, dear
The metaphore that Angels fall
and of all the fallen Angels found
it's you that I find
You fall for
a reason unknown to me
but a reason just the same
you didn't fall just to rhyme
And it's falling
that makes you so cold
so hard, and so bitter
and so just out of reach
I've fallen
to feel a kindred soul with you
and hope you show me what to do
to find the core of your peach.
She means broken
when she says tired
She means lonely
by uninspired
So sue me
I only wanted time to sing
I never meant to mend your wings
featherless and lame
I've no regrets
save standing at the door
and waving farewell, but well
they're regrets just the same
She means never
when she says soon
She means my eyes
by the light of the moon
A hundred thousand stars are out tonight.
And they all fall down. They all fall down.
A hundred thousand stars are shining bright.
To watch you hit the ground.
'Cause we all fall down. We all fall down.
The metaphore that Angels fall
and of all the fallen Angels found
it's you that I find
You fall for
a reason unknown to me
but a reason just the same
you didn't fall just to rhyme
And it's falling
that makes you so cold
so hard, and so bitter
and so just out of reach
I've fallen
to feel a kindred soul with you
and hope you show me what to do
to find the core of your peach.
She means broken
when she says tired
She means lonely
by uninspired
So sue me
I only wanted time to sing
I never meant to mend your wings
featherless and lame
I've no regrets
save standing at the door
and waving farewell, but well
they're regrets just the same
She means never
when she says soon
She means my eyes
by the light of the moon
A hundred thousand stars are out tonight.
And they all fall down. They all fall down.
A hundred thousand stars are shining bright.
To watch you hit the ground.
'Cause we all fall down. We all fall down.
Here's what I meant. That's what I said.
I said I wanted to say one more thing. I meant I wanted you to hear me the first time.
I said it made me want to listen more. I meant it made me want to weep.
I said tired. I meant on the verge of falling apart.
I said I liked it. I meant it made me want to love you.
I said in a few days. I meant immediately, or sooner, if possible.
I said it frustrated me. I meant I wanted to punch him in the throat.
I said we have a lot in common. I meant you remind me of my dreams.
I said there's something off. I meant I want to crawl into a cave and disappear for a month.
I said I miss you. I meant to not hurt you by admitting I'm feeling home here.
I said I hate you, and I laughed. I meant the laughter.
I said not to worry about it. I meant that if I worried more about it, I'd go insane.
I said I'd be there. I meant I feel stuck there.
I said I'd pray. I meant I wish I would have prayed before.
I said I'd call. I meant don't leave.
I said I knew a guy. I meant sometimes I feel...
I said you should have been there. I meant you should never be away again.
I said I feel trapped. I meant I feel the weight of failure for staying still.
I said I could handle it. I meant I want to be strong enough.
I said what I meant once. Now I can't take it back.
I said it made me want to listen more. I meant it made me want to weep.
I said tired. I meant on the verge of falling apart.
I said I liked it. I meant it made me want to love you.
I said in a few days. I meant immediately, or sooner, if possible.
I said it frustrated me. I meant I wanted to punch him in the throat.
I said we have a lot in common. I meant you remind me of my dreams.
I said there's something off. I meant I want to crawl into a cave and disappear for a month.
I said I miss you. I meant to not hurt you by admitting I'm feeling home here.
I said I hate you, and I laughed. I meant the laughter.
I said not to worry about it. I meant that if I worried more about it, I'd go insane.
I said I'd be there. I meant I feel stuck there.
I said I'd pray. I meant I wish I would have prayed before.
I said I'd call. I meant don't leave.
I said I knew a guy. I meant sometimes I feel...
I said you should have been there. I meant you should never be away again.
I said I feel trapped. I meant I feel the weight of failure for staying still.
I said I could handle it. I meant I want to be strong enough.
I said what I meant once. Now I can't take it back.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Smile Sample
Download the sample of Smile, the first single from my new album. Lemme know what you think.
Thanks for listening.
Meshach
Thanks for listening.
Meshach
Heaven, Hell, and the Inches (or Ions) between
I don't THINK I'm bipolar, but God, I feel like it sometimes. It seems like I'm speaking in exactly the same way that I spoke yesterday, but somehow, that's not what anyone hears.
When one person calls you an ass, don't sweat it.
Then, I go through my day, and while I interact with people I can see their expression reflect the discomfort that whatever I'm saying (or however I'm saying it) is causing them. It's like having a huge pimple on the tip of your nose, and not knowing it. Or maybe, just Oral Malodor that somehow escapes my own nostrils. (Sinuses. That's the problem.)
Now that pimple is causing me pain for no reason. Not pain. Discomfort. Whatever this thing is growing out of my face is causing me frustration and confusion, and I'm lost as to how to remove it. Should I be on medication?
Nothing will ever go as planned. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems. In the end, you will most certainly be alone.
Ray Lamontagne, The Roots, MuteMath, TV On The Radio, The Mars Volta, DJ Shadow, Kasabian, and Beck have all released records recently. This is the time, I guess. A new friend, Mario Vasquez, just released his record as well, and all signs are pointing to it doing well. Meanwhile, my record is in post-production. It's slow-going, and I'm more anxious than ever to let people hear it. So, I'm uploading a small sample. Hopefully today. Not in this post, but I'll work on it.
Cornelius Rosco P Coltrane Jr. is doing well. Heartguard and a new rubber toy ball helped a lot. He's putting on weight again (somewhere around 70lbs now), and hopefully will stay healthy, obedient, and intimidating for a long time - (my only goals for his life).
My car, recently towed and rescued (long story), is now back up for sale on Craigslist. Click the enormous link on the top of this site to buy it. Please.
The real problem with Halitosis is that no one cared about bad breath until Listerine invented the word.
I'm going to buy Beck and Kasabian's new records today. That should help the funk. Not my breath (as far as I know, it's fine), just the ... other funk. The one I can't find, but everyone else sees. Hell. I need something. I had two different people yesterday comment on my being "off".
If two people call you an ass, buy a saddle.
When one person calls you an ass, don't sweat it.
Then, I go through my day, and while I interact with people I can see their expression reflect the discomfort that whatever I'm saying (or however I'm saying it) is causing them. It's like having a huge pimple on the tip of your nose, and not knowing it. Or maybe, just Oral Malodor that somehow escapes my own nostrils. (Sinuses. That's the problem.)
Now that pimple is causing me pain for no reason. Not pain. Discomfort. Whatever this thing is growing out of my face is causing me frustration and confusion, and I'm lost as to how to remove it. Should I be on medication?
Nothing will ever go as planned. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems. In the end, you will most certainly be alone.
Ray Lamontagne, The Roots, MuteMath, TV On The Radio, The Mars Volta, DJ Shadow, Kasabian, and Beck have all released records recently. This is the time, I guess. A new friend, Mario Vasquez, just released his record as well, and all signs are pointing to it doing well. Meanwhile, my record is in post-production. It's slow-going, and I'm more anxious than ever to let people hear it. So, I'm uploading a small sample. Hopefully today. Not in this post, but I'll work on it.
Cornelius Rosco P Coltrane Jr. is doing well. Heartguard and a new rubber toy ball helped a lot. He's putting on weight again (somewhere around 70lbs now), and hopefully will stay healthy, obedient, and intimidating for a long time - (my only goals for his life).
My car, recently towed and rescued (long story), is now back up for sale on Craigslist. Click the enormous link on the top of this site to buy it. Please.
The real problem with Halitosis is that no one cared about bad breath until Listerine invented the word.
I'm going to buy Beck and Kasabian's new records today. That should help the funk. Not my breath (as far as I know, it's fine), just the ... other funk. The one I can't find, but everyone else sees. Hell. I need something. I had two different people yesterday comment on my being "off".
If two people call you an ass, buy a saddle.
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