Mayor of the Internet.: December 2006

Colin Powell - He's not gonna run. There. I put it out there. Deal with it. I really don't think he will. He's the (sorta) black Oliver North of my generation. He stepped up when asked, and presented a compelling case of facts for Afghanistan, Iraq, whatever. I wasn't really listening. The point is, it made him look smart. Then we went to war. Now he looks kinda dumb-founded. Like, "Uh, I meant Watery Magnet Ducks. Or Wayward Malignant Discharges. Wafers of Mass Digestion... Crap."

His military background and political experience would be great for foreign policy... for about 1 year. The first sign of conflict, turmoil, confusion, and the whole country would turn on him. Republicans would vote against him 'cause he's black. The black community would turn on him 'cause he's making them look bad. Democrats everywhere would just sit back and say, "Yeup, that's a Republican for yah." Meanwhile, we'd be another 40 years before a black president could get nominated.

Nope. General Powell, you need to stay outta this one. You're a brilliant man with too much experience to go being a guinea pig for america. Leave it to the young bucks to do the hard stuff. You've done your time. Call it a day. Stay low. Pray another old white man wins in '08, and you'll get a fair shake in '12... as long as the VP was black, and made some amazing breakthroughs behind the scenes that you could ride in on.

John McCain - What an unfortunate time to be a compelling, honest, logical, articulate, old, rich, white man in politics. Any other time, your war experience (ex freakin' P.O.W.), your political background (Congressman, then Senator), and your party (Republicans won't give up easily... here's a Republican as Liberal as Clinton was conservative), added to the political timing (after a 2-term President who could endorse you and step down) would just be money in the bank.

Then there's the fact that you're an old, wealthy, white man. I say wealthy only by default. You're no Donald Trump, but certainly aren't skipping trips to the golf course anytime soon either. This, unfortunately for you, is not the year to be old, white, or male, much less all three. You kinda can't win.

Think about it. Democrats aren't going to pass on an opportunity to be the first to nominate a woman, UNLESS they can be the first to nominate a black man. Republicans only hope is to drag Colin Powell and Condoleza Rice through the process, hoping no one loses their cookies laughing at the absurdity, and then actually nominate a "more of the same" kinda candidate, using the argument that "we're already at war, let's not go changing too much or else the Terrorists will attack us again." Meanwhile, John McCain gets slapped around publicly like a political Piñata, and probably has his national career ruined in the process.

After which he'll be doomed to Political Correspondence and committee votes to ban school vouchers because their clause to endorse union wage cuts is too much of a trade off. (In other words, the most boring and disgustingly competitive part of politics... forever).

Al Gore - Here's an Inconvenient Truth for you, Al. You're a great guy, who's public perception places you somewhere between the likable next door neighbor who's lawn is always perfectly mowed and never leaves the paper on his front porch, and the half-crazed New Ager who swears he met you in a past life.

His politics are solid. He's been careful about having a steady voting history (as much as can be expected for someone who's been in for as long as he has), and he's formulated a solid front on issues of family, the environment, and ... uh... family? Not that these aren't very important issues, but now that they're out there, can't anyone tackle 'em? It's not like he INVENTED global warming. I mean, if he's a war vet with tons of experience in negotiation, and had an idea for how to handle foreign affairs, sure. He's got the knowledge that justifies his discovery, and the experience that calls for his being the person to execute his own plan.

The problem with Al is, though he's brilliant (IQ of 135 or so, Harvard grad, etc...), he doesn't have his OWN plans... about anything. Then again, no one really does. Trump, Sharpton, Nader, maybe. None of the serious candidates, though. No one who has been in politics for long (successful politics, Nader) has gotten to where they are with their own ideas. They have committees, think tanks, debates, studies, etc... Al Gore worked with teams of scientists and engineers to "invent" the internet.

He certainly did help push funding through the proper channels to make it happen, and certainly is working hard to raise awareness on issues of the environment, but once those issues are in the public mind, they're no longer his ideas. He doesn't have any more qualification than I do, once I've heard all the facts that he has to share. He's no environmental analyst. He's a politician. He's not a web developer or a hardware engineer. He's a guy who's used his entire life to form powerful relationships, a working biography that would "read" impressively, and probably a genuinely decent human being. The only advantage he could have on issues of technology and the environment is if he withheld the information to which he had access, giving him the upper hand. The problem with that is, who would know he had the upper hand until he gave us his information?
Barack Obama - Career Politicians. These are people who make a career around looking like a great candidate for office. I have friends who are "in politics." They talk about it in lots of different ways. There are friends who chose law school because it sets you up to look really good as a candidate (the "He's obviously smart. And apparently knows the whole law now... " approach). Others who got degrees in Political Science because the process itself (the grit, the dirt, the leveraging, the angles, the studies, the media, the PR, etc...) was appealing to them. Some friends get into politics because there is some issue that is particularly important to them, and they honestly want to make a difference. Still others who just power-tripping psychos who want to have their hands in all the right pockets so that whatever they want in life, someone owes it to them to provide.

Barack Obama seems like one of the guys who, had you met at, say 21, would have already been able to layout a plan for how he could get elected into national politics. Who's names he could use to advance in each place. What connections he would use to build up a resume. Not in a slimy way. In much more of a "this would sound just like a police academy student talking about how he'll one day be police chief, then mayor" kinda thing. However, if you asked him at 21, 34, or even 45 (his current age), what his plans are for, say, Social Security, Foreign Oil Dependency, Gay Marriage, Immigration, or a slew of other issues that our next President should be able to attack, his answers would be (and, incidentally, are...) formulaic politician-speak, offering generic answers with no originality, creating just as many problems as the previous "solution", and generally just being a gigantic let-down.

Having given "Ralph" such a hard time about his name, I have to tell a story. One of the first off-hand comments a friend made to me about Barack Obama over 2 years ago when we first heard about him, was that he'd never vote for him. "Well, no. You're Republican, he's a Democrat, why would you?" My friend said no, the reason he wouldn't vote for him was that he didn't have an "American name." This struck me as particularly funny, as this friend and I share a common racial strand. We're both part native American. I busted out laughing as asked, "would you vote for someone named 'Sitting Bull'?"

As absurd as the notion is, I have to admit that I think a lot of people, though they don't admit it openly, think about much more vain and petty issues than that when deciding for whom they'll vote. Statistically, George Bush is pretty much right on the money. Clinton and Nixon, Kennedy and Reagan, Carter and Bush Sr. All middle-to-late aged white men, all around six feet tall, all reasonably fit for their age, all either graying or dark haired, all celebrate traditional American religions (Baptist, Catholic, etc...)... I could go on.

The one thing he has going for him, is the fact that this election is 100% about change, and he's an intelligent, articulate, well-spoken, and accomplished black man who knows the game he's playing, and knows that this very well may be his time. Barack, all the best.

Hillary Clinton - I was 12 years old the first time I heard of Hillary Clinton. She and her husband were running for President and First Lady. She was the most out-spoken first lady I'd ever heard of. Still is. The way I first heard her name was in a joke by someone (can't remember who, but had to have been a Bible-Belt Conservative), who was clearly excited about the opportunity to tell me.

"D'jew you hear that the Governor of Arkansas is thinkin' 'bout running for president?"

"Um. I just wanna buy a coke and some gum."

"Yeah, but d'jew hear?"

"No. I'm 12."

"Well, she says she'll have to ask her husband first!" (queue the big belly laughs)

I walked away from that conversation confused. First, at the joke itself. Was the governor of Arkansas a woman? If so, why would she have to ask her husband about being President? She's already the Governor, isn't she? The logic of the joke escaped me. Then I heard it again when Clinton was President, with all the appropriate terms changed. I was 14 by then, a man of the world, and I understood it. I think I even laughed. Probably repeated it once.

Over the next 8 years, it was a sorely played-out comment, that Hillary was really running things, and that Bill was kinda just a womanizing wimp. Then, a couple years ago, I read "My Life" by Bill Clinton. I felt like praying for forgiveness. Honestly. The strange thing is, now people are talking about how the only way Hillary could get the upper hand in the elections, making her the first woman president in history, and breaking rules and ground everywhere, is if people realize that Bill will be back in the White House again.

"Man," I think to myself, "Payback's a bitch."

Domestic policy by Hillary Clinton. Foreign Policy by Bill. With a Democratic Congress and Senate, I gotta say, I'm interested in seeing what happens.

Ralph Nader - Ralph, Ralph, Ralph... I know Lincoln lost a buncha elections before he became president. But you should read his biography sometime. He was... brilliant. He was... persistent. He was... IN THE 1800's! AND he wore a TOP HAT! You have no gimmics, no personality, Ralph! Your name is RALPH for crying out loud!

There will not, in my life time, or in the life time of my children's children's children for that matter, ever be a "President Ralph". Ain't goh'ne happ'n.

"President Baraco"? Maybe. "President Hillary"? Maybe. "President Ralph"? You're 80 years too late for that one, pah'dna. Sorry. Global warming is important and all, and so is foreign debt, but Bono will be having sex in the Lincoln bedroom before you... aren't having sex in the Lincoln bedroom. Come to think of it, Bono probably already has. Ouch, that has to hurt, huh? An Irish rockstar with no college education whatsoever who has more international political influence than a Princeton and Harvard Law grad. Welcome to America, Ralph. And to the 21st Century, for that matter.

Donald Trump - Dear The Donald, I sincerely respect your business savvy, and must admit that I kinda dig your hair. I think your ability to market yourself as a bad marketer is brilliant, and shouldn't be changed. New to New York City, I must say that I don't know the 'full story' of your success, but having read your account in a few forms, I'm impressed. Your moral character leaves a bit to be desired (see: Nihilism and Neitzche's world view), but I gotta say, you know how to run a business.

Having built up all of this goodwill, good publicity, and great fortune, now you wanna go and run for president. I like you, the Donald. So don't screw it up.

If you run, do it with style. No smear campaigns, just public debates only on properties that you own. It'll give you a chance to branch out into every state. You could host Kings and Prime Ministers in your home ... wait. You already do that. Well, you get my point. It'd be a step up, you gotta admit. The money is crap, we all know that. But if you're interested, I won't promise you my vote, but I guarantee that I'll be talking more about you than any other candidate, if only for the chance to someday say, "The President of the United States... The Donald."

Al Sharpton - Al Sharpton scares me. There. I said it. What scares me isn't that you only see him when something terrible happens, like a 12 year old's body found in the woods, or a bachelor party ended with 51 shots from the NYPD into the chest of the groom, or a black kid in Milwaukee wakes up and realizes he's the only one there.

It's also not that helmet of shiny perfection he calls hair. Though that's not exactly comforting. I mean, when I cropped the pictures, his hair wouldn't even fit in the square. That rhymes, and I know he'd want it that way.

Al Sharpton, for all of our potential differences of opinion, I believe is a sincere, moral, and intelligent man. However, I can just see him dealing with the Prime Minister of Saudi Arabia in the back Garden of the White House, and border-line rapping and rhyming with his poetic since of speech and gospel preacher inflections, and just freaking them the hell out. It's one thing for a middle-eastern oil tycoon to walk away from talking to our President and feeling insulted by the Elementary level of communication. It's another for him to be Insulted AND confused.

"Now you throwin' some big words at me right now, and since I don't understand 'em, I'm gonna consider 'em insults. Now back yourself down and have a civilized conversation wit' me, or my boys here are gonna have to you back you down for me."

(at which point the secrete service kills the prime minister for threatening the President, and we go to yet another war in the middle east, just because our president used the words Ethnocentricity and Transdisermification while discussing the meal they were just served at lunch.)

Al, I don't think we're quite ready for you. You're 3 generations ahead of your time.

Jon Stewart - The first black man? The first Woman? NAY! The FIRST JEW! Let's ease into this, people. This dude's got more common sense, is more articulate, more trust-worthy (looking), has better writers, less experience (thank God), and fewer chances of being a douche-bag about the Palistinian-Israelite conflict than any other candidate. Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert could wake this country up.

Four years with these two, and it wouldn't only be the idealistic, young, single people in the country who are freaking out and crying for change. It'd be old, comfortable, rich white men who line up and picket. It'd be right-wing extremists and left-wing extremists marching arm-in-arm on the capitol steps crying for change. That'd be great. Electing Jon Stewart to the white house after Clinton, then Bush would be like your dog taking a dump on the Monopoly board right in the middle of a huge argument over who should get Park Place since Mom's assets are mortgaged. Now the whole family can join together, stop being mad at each other, and focus their energy on dragging the dog outside, and making him eat the Monopoly board he's just desecrated.

Jon Stewart in 2008. It's our only chance to take politics seriously again. After he leaves.