The People vs. Spears, Lohan, and Hilton - WARNING: Explicit Lyrics. Seriously, mom... don't read this.

Is anyone else effing sick of hearing about Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and Paris Hilton? Seriously, can we just stop? I don't mean stop talking shit about them, or even to stop singing their undue praises. I mean just stop.

What I propose is that we, the American public, revoke our interest, and seek recompense for the invested time, energy, and money into worthless celebrities who screw it up unwittingly. Let's just find 3 other hot, young, blonde(ish) bitches and give them a ton of money. I mean it. We'll just start over. American Idol for the next Pointlessly Intriguing Teenager. And if the new trio of eye-candy princesses screw it up, we'll just take it away again (all of it), and find three more. It'll be like Menudo for hot young white girls.

I think if we all get together and start a class-action law-suit against the three of them combined we should be able to recoup a few million at least. We sue them on the grounds that they did not provide any of the expected services after we (I mean collectively. I can't say that I've ever given a shit... until now) paid them what they asked for.

They are self-serving, money-hungry, marginally-talented, and unabashedly arrogant whores. Now, don't tell me they're not whores. They all sold their bodies for money. That simple. They did all of the same things intellectually that the average transvestite crack-addict hooker in Harlem would do for $150. But they charged millions, and they took it from all of us. Think of the beautiful, intelligent, talented, funny, interesting women that we could have been hearing about over the last 10 years. Honestly, did we really have to learn about 3 three cum-dumpsters' every move on every fucking news report?

E! channel and Entertainment Weekly... The only thing entertaining about these girls is the shit that you say about them. And now, that's gotten old. We don't care anymore. So please, shut the fuck up.

It's our own fault that people like Lindsay Lohan grow up to be narcissistic maniacs, Paris Hilton to be self-promoting sociopaths, and Britney Spears to be... a mom. Seriously, who the hell would want Britney Spears as a mother? Strike that... who the hell would let Britney Spears stay a mother? America, take her kids away. For the sake of my grandchildren, don't let Britney's offspring stay in the family. This is going to rob many generations after me their peace and sanity without ever knowing the difference. The only credit I could give to Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan over Britney Spears is that they haven't (as far as we know) reproduced.

Here's what I think we should do. We sue the ever-loving hell out of the three of them. All we need is roughly 2 million or so of us, we all give a dollar, hire a crack team of lawyers, and file a class-action suit against the parties of Lohan, Spears, and Hilton, on the grounds that we paid for a service that we didn't get. We list hours collectively invested into Television shows, Movies, Magazines, and Cd's waiting for something worth-while. We watch a shitty-horrible show like "Crossroads", and want to gouge out our own spleen and feed it to a small pony... but instead, we drive home quietly. We leave it alone. What we should do, is ask for a refund. All of us. For every dime back.

Millions and millions of hours invested. Millions of moments that we could have spent working out, reading poetry, laughing at brilliant comedians, studying art history, supporting live music, or perfecting some life-long interest like pottery restoration. Anything. Absolutely anything would have been a better use of time and money, than paying absolutely any attention to these three hose-hounds. So we want it back.

When we, the American public begin to follow a beautiful young woman's career, and we are so forgiving and gracious as to not pull the plug on our attention span in the first couple of years, we expect certain things. We expect, at the very least, their absence from places like rehab, prison, or internet porn. We expect that the object of such unwarranted praise and affection would exhibit a certain amount of grace, poise, mystery, gratitude, humility... I'm not saying they should have all of this. I'm saying ANY of this would be fantastic to see in any of the three of these imbeciles. Any other century would have stoned them. All I'm suggesting is that we sue them. Take back what is rightfully ours.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not promoting a complete absence of forgiveness here. If you have a friend who gets a DUI, you make it clear that you disapprove, and you support them back to health. If you have a friend who gets pregnant out of wedlock, you help. You buy them baby clothes, and bring them a cup of coffee in the middle of the day when you know they're at home elbow-deep in baby shit. If you have a friend who acts like a spoiled brat at their work and gets reprimanded by their boss, you comfort them and offer them a kind ear to hear their side of the story. You take their side. If you have a friend with 2 kids who makes a sex-tape and puts it online unapologetically after they have a get out of rehab... you punch them in the throat and make it clear that you want back your Notre Dame sweatshirt and the first season of Arrested Development on DVD that you loaned them last summer. You tell all of your friends in no uncertain terms that you don't want to be invited to a party that this loser is going to be at. You make clear to new people who are just meeting this person that before they build some kind of friendship with them, there are a few things that should be made clear about their past.

This is all I'm suggesting. We've invited these people into our homes. Into our vocabularies. Into our worlds. We don't need them. Never did. We didn't do so completely out of benevolence. We had certain expectations. Those expectations weren't meant, so we want back what we invested. That simple. We want back that ND sweatshirt, and the Arrested Development DVD's. We'll spare punching them in the throat (for now), but we expect that they, with all haste and hostility, return to us what is rightfully ours, or the aforementioned socks to the esophagus will begin. Millions and millions of punches to the throat.